What makes a healthy relationship?
While it’s normal to have the occasional argument or disagreement with the people you care about, your relationships should not constantly be making you unhappy. The people who you choose to spend time with should add to your life and help make it better. A healthy relationship is built on:
- consent
- trust
- honesty
- good communication
- healthy compromise
- spending quality time together
- having each other’s best interests at heart
These qualities, which could be described as ‘green flags,’ are important in every relationship you’ll have throughout your life.
What are red flags?
You’ve likely heard people talking about ‘red flags’ on TikTok— red flags are warning signs about a person’s behaviour.
They can start off small, like someone teasing you about your appearance or ignoring your text messages, but can be a sign of bigger problems to come, like controlling or abusive behaviours.
It’s important to keep an eye out for red flags and patterns of behaviour so you can protect yourself and make sure you’re only spending time with people who care about your wellbeing and who will add good things to your life. It’s also important that we reflect upon our own actions in our relationships and make sure that we are doing all we can to be a good friend or partner.
Spotting red flags in friendships
Finding the right group of friends, especially while at school or college, can sometimes be tricky. Nobody is perfect, and everyone is still figuring themselves out during their teenage years. It’s likely that you may have some fallings out with friends during this important time in life while you are still figuring out who you are and what you value in a friend.
However, if someone regularly makes you feel sad or uneasy, this could be a sign that they aren’t really being a true friend, or that they are taking advantage of your kindness. Here are some common red flags to look in friendships.
- Excluding or ignoring you
- Bullying you or other people
- Sharing your secrets
- Lying or asking you to lie for them
- Making fun of your interests
- Only ever wanting things to be on their terms
- Saying unkind things about you behind your back or on social media
- Treating you differently in front of others
- They have prejudiced beliefs about different groups of people— this could be based on gender, religion, sexuality, race or ability
Spotting red flags in your romantic relationships
All of the red flags which might pop up in friendships can also be present in romantic relationships. Here are a few more red flags to look out for in someone you’re interested in dating.
- Saying nasty things about you, your family or friends
- Hurting you physically, or threatening to do so— this is abuse
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Not putting any effort in the relationship
- Isolating you from the people you care about
- Pressuring you into doing things you don’t want to do, such as sexting or being intimate
- Being controlling (such as telling you what clothes or makeup to wear, constantly calling or texting, wanting to know where you are and who you’re with at all times, or demanding the passwords to your phone or private accounts)
- ‘Gaslighting’ you, which means making you question what you have seen and heard (for example, saying ‘I never said that!’ or ‘I was only teasing, you’re overreacting!’ during an argument)
- Not respecting your boundaries (for example, sending flirty messages to other people, turning up at your house without being invited or posting your picture on social media without your permission)
Understanding consent
Consent and trust are the foundations of any good relationship, whether it’s a relationship with a friend, family member, or romantic partner. To consent to something means to agree to it willingly, without feeling like you need to say yes to keep yourself safe or avoid upsetting someone.
Consent applies to all aspects of a relationship, and is especially important when it comes to physical touching. You can withdraw your consent at any time, and you should always respect the boundaries of others.
What do if you spot red flags in your relationships
If you spot small red flags in your friendships or relationships, you may choose to end the relationship, or you may choose to sit down with the person and have an important discussion about their behaviour. Tell them what has hurt you, and how you would like things to change. If they are genuinely sorry and understanding, they will work to change their behaviour. If there behaviour does not change, it may be time to cut off the relationship.
You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and care for you, and who will always act in your best interests. It can be hard to say goodbye to someone who you care about, and you may grieve the relationship for a long time after ending it. However, ending a relationship which is harmful to you will help you to feel better in the long run and to have a happier, brighter future.
Speak up— you’re not alone
Remember, if someone hurts you physically, verbally, or touches you without your consent, this goes beyond a red flag— this is abuse. Abuse means to treat someone badly, in any way which hurts them. Abuse of any kind is never okay, and it is never your fault.
Abuse can make you feel scared to speak up. Maybe you worry that ending a friendship with someone who is bullying you might make your other friends turn against you, or you worry that your boyfriend or girlfriend might try to hurt you if you break up with them.
A common tactic of abusers is to tell you that no one will believe you if you speak up. This is a lie used to manipulate you and isolate you from the people who can help. Talk to a trusted adult in your life, such as your foster parent, a teacher or your social worker.
You can also contact Childline for free and confidential support by calling 0800 1111, or checking out their website. You also have the option to contact the police for help using the telephone number 101, or by dialling 999 if you are in immediate danger.
Thriving in healthy relationships with others
We hope our tips on how to choose healthy relationships have been helpful. Ready to learn more about navigating your way through everyday life as you get closer to becoming an adult? Check out our Care Hub for more handy guides on everything from bullying to keeping safe online.
